A Mother's Heart

 This past mother’s day was my first time being a mother - while my child is not actively out here, crying for attention, there is plenty of movement and jabs going on inside. Beginning this journey of being a mom has made me think of a lot of things and opened my eyes to a lot of things as well. You can see someone’s sacrifice but going through some milder versions of that sacrifice presses it a little harder. It’s why children need material things and actions to learn a lesson. We are the same way. 

There is a heavy heavy weight that mothers carry - bitter and lovely. 

I see mothers that lose their babies before they ever see the light of day and the world never knows about it. The world asks questions and makes jokes without thinking of the stabs of pain they’re giving to a grieving empty breaking heart. 

I see mothers who are in the season where they don’t have time to pause for a shower or a conversation for - a few years. Where the constant calling of “mama” isn’t always soft and cute but shrill and over and over. But then it passes and they long for those young words again. 

Those are all seen but this time I have started to experience just a little bit of the sacrifice that goes into motherhood as I am nearly done with my pregnancy. How quickly our bodies change to accommodate our children, to give everything first to them - the immune system prioritizes the baby which is really an amazing thing. 

The discomfort grows and grows with each week and I think of how that’s only a small part of motherhood. But it makes me appreciate my own mother and mother in law even more: the physical changes and suffering they’ve been willing to go through to have their babies. The sacrifice, time, attention, and service - the continual service that you give for your child that they probably won’t even notice or acknowledge for many many years. And it never ends, as I watch them continue caring for the adult children - and I watch my Grandmother continue to step in service and care, constantly. 

I think of how the first time I ever felt kicks from my baby - movement at 13 weeks, but actual little kicks at 17 weeks - I was sitting discouraged and disheartened on my couch. I felt alone in that moment of an afternoon by myself and when I was on the verge of crying, I felt my baby begin to kick me. And every time since that I’ve really cried, they've comforted me with their sudden movements that become often and full in those moments. It’s crazy to me that they feel my emotions and I wish I could take that aspect away but at the same time, it brings such a soft bond that they probably won’t remember but matters so much to me. 

There is so much a mother carries in her heart. The whole world of her children and husband and more. A preservation and protection of the heart and tears. It’s a terrifying thing to feel your heart growing but being torn at the same time when you realize there is barely anything you can actually control or keep preserved. And there is so much yet left to feel and learn and experience and sometimes that’s a terrifying thought. But it’s also beautiful because I can’t imagine how God sees the beauty of motherhood and sacrifice. In a world of finding your “identity” and prioritizing you (leads to grief by the way), He created us to glorify Him and enjoy Him and one of the biggest ways we do this is in long-suffering service. He sees the hurting backs, aching feet, sleepless nights, and He sees something of beauty. 

At a Little Women play last night, I was reminded of one of my favorite lines given by the March girls’ father:  "I remember a time when this hand was white and smooth, and your first care was to keep it so. Meg, my dear, I value the womanly skill which keeps home happy more than white hands or fashionable accomplishments. I'm proud to shake this good, industrious little hand, and hope I shall not soon be asked to give it away." 

It makes me hope that when my Heavenly Father sees me walk this journey, He will look at me in those moments of exhaustion and defeat and remind me, in our weaknesses, His strength shows up the strongest, and the things of beauty are those of absolute surrender to His perfect plan and will.